


If You Give a Padfoot Internet Access and a Credit Card

by combustiblelemon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Post War AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 17:44:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/combustiblelemon/pseuds/combustiblelemon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius learns how to shop for things on the internet and drives Remus crazy. AU where they both survive the second war.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Give a Padfoot Internet Access and a Credit Card

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wigglecat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wigglecat/gifts).



> This takes place in 2013. Oliver is their adopted son from an rp I'm doing with wigglecat. And this is really just a very long advertisement for things that amuse me.

It was all Hermione's fault, really. She had been the one to suggest that Sirius use spreadsheets to organize his clients at work, and when that resulted in confusion, had explained what spreadsheets were and how to use that nice laptop that had been gathering dust in the study (the one Harry had given him two years ago for Christmas) to make them. And Hermione must have taught Ron how to buy things on the internet, and he'd been the one to teach Sirius and Arthur, and it had all gone downhill from there.

The first box had arrived on a Wednesday. Remus came home before Sirius and found it sitting on the kitchen table with the rest of the mail that Oliver must have brought in. It was addressed to Sirius, who obviously hadn't gotten home yet or the box would be in pieces on the floor. He picked up the box and shook it a little, listening to whatever was in it sliding around a bit, before putting it back down. The box was heavy and he wanted to know what was in it, but he wouldn't invade Sirius' privacy by opening his mail. He'd be home soon, anyways. 

Something upstairs thumped like it had been dropped. Remus jumped and looked up at the ceiling, then over to the couch where his son had fallen asleep. If Sirius was still at work, and Oliver was on the couch, then who was upstairs? He walked over to the couch and nudged Oliver with his knee. "Who's upstairs?" Oliver rolled over and blinked at him before reaching up to rub at his face. "Papa. He said we had to wait for you to open the box." Remus watched him get up and shuffle upstairs, presumably to go get Sirius. He went back into the kitchen and sat down at the table to wait. A few moments later, Sirius burst into the kitchen with Oliver padding in behind him, still half asleep from the looks of it.

"Moony, you've come home!" Sirius grinned, leaning down for a swift kiss before going over to get a knife out of the drawer. 

"You make it sound as though I don't come home at this hour every day," Remus said, trying to bite back his laughter. Sirius just shook his head at him, slicing through the tape on the box. 

"Well, you were taking especially long today," he said as he finally got the box open. He set the knife down and pulled out some plastic cushions? Oh, no. Those had just been padding the box for the real surprise. Sirius pulled out three white boxes (that were also wrapped in plastic) and handed one to Remus. He handed another to Oliver and kept the last for himself. "They're called iPads! The website said we could talk to each other and look at each other through them, because there are cameras on the front. And some other things too, but it sort of lost me after that." 

Sirius just looked so pleased with himself, and Oliver looked happy too, and Remus didn't quite have the heart to tell them that they wouldn't work for them, not if they took them to work or school. Maybe they could fix them up to make them work in a magical environment or something. He thanked Sirius with a kiss and got up to get started on dinner while Sirius and Oliver got started unboxing their new toys. At least they'd work in the house. Probably.

The next package came a week later. Sirius didn't wait for him to come home before opening this one, and upon his arrival, thrust a very large coat at him. "It's called a revolution coat! It has fifty four pockets and one of them is big enough for that iPad thing," he announced, unzipping it so Remus could try it on. Remus stared at him, wondering why he needed that many pockets and why it was called a revolution coat. He had a perfectly functional, warm coat already! Did Sirius buy it because it had all the pockets? Sirius didn't seem to notice his confusion. He was too busy helping him into the coat and spinning him around to see how it looked. "Oh wait, I was wrong. The tag says twenty six pockets." That was still too many pockets.

"Why is there a soda machine next to the couch?" How long had it been there? How much was Sirius spending on these silly things that they didn't even need? Something in his voice must have let on that he was annoyed, because Sirius looked a little hurt when Remus turned back around. 

"It's not a soda machine. It's a little fridge for drinks so we don't have to get up when we're watching movies. Don't you like the coat? The site said it had a pocket for all of your things and a little hook on the inside of one of them so you wouldn't lose your keys again." Remus felt bad for getting annoyed at Sirius. He'd been trying to do something nice for him and Remus was too busy worrying about money (which was a hard habit to break, okay?) to notice. He sighed and wrapped his arms around Sirius, resting his chin on his shoulder. 

"Thank you, Padfoot. The coat is lovely... But please don't waste any more money on me, okay?" Remus could feel Sirius making a face against his ear as he returned the embrace. "Do I have to spend another forty years convincing you that spending money on you is not _wasting_ it?" Well, it sort of was if he kept buying things that neither one of them knew how to use, but Remus wasn't going to say that. He let out another sigh, gently nudging Sirius' head with his own. "Fine. But I'd much rather you buy things for our son than me, if I'm allowed a say in all this." Sirius laughed quietly, nuzzling against his hair. "He gets things too, but all right. If it bothers you, I'll try to control myself." That was really all Remus could ask for.

Oliver, on the other hand, was not above letting his father shower him in presents, especially not since Sirius was offering. By the end of the week, the two of them had new boots and coats (that did _not_ have a ridiculous amount of pockets) and gloves. Oliver had asked for something called an iPod and Sirius bought one for him in blue. He also found a hat for him with headphones in the ear flaps, which he thought was very clever. Remus didn't get upset with them until he found them in the backyard a few days later, watching a man setting up something that looked rather dangerous.

"What is that?"

"A trampoline!" Oliver announced happily, grinning at Sirius. Remus wasn't sure why they looked overjoyed by something that could result in a broken neck, but he wasn't about to ask. He just pinched the bridge of his nose and tried not to scream. This was getting stupid. At this rate, Sirius was going to bring home a giraffe or something. He shook his head and walked back into the house, accidentally slamming the door shut behind him. A minute later, he heard the door open and close again. Sirius came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. "Why'd you leave? It's supposed to be fun. I seem to remember you used to enjoy bouncing."

Remus turned his head as best as he could to frown at Sirius, something that was proving difficult since Sirius' face was right next to his own. "You mean when we used to bounce on your bed at school? When we were twelve? Are you aware that you're not twelve anymore?"

Sirius pulled away from Remus and crossed his arms, frowning back at him. "Are you aware that you're not a schoolmarm?" 

"You could get hurt! _Oliver_ could get hurt!"

"You think that I wouldn't think to put cushioning charms on it? Or make sure that our son can't fall off of it? He's eighteen, Remus, not five, and I'm not stupid." 

"I never said-" But it was too late. Sirius had stormed out of the room and back into the yard to watch the man finish setting up the trampoline. Well, anyone could win an argument that way, couldn't they? Remus rolled his eyes and went into the kitchen to start making lunch. That stupid laptop was just sitting there on the table, mocking him. Unless...

Remus looked out the window, into the backyard. The trampoline was only half done. Sirius and Oliver would be distracted until it was ready. He quietly picked up the computer and took it upstairs. He needed to find a place where Sirius wouldn't think (or bother) to look. 

The next couple of days were quiet. Sirius hadn't asked for his computer back (he actually hadn't been saying much of anything to Remus), and Remus couldn't tell whether or not he'd been looking for it. Remus didn't feel bad about hiding it, though. In the days following the arrival of the trampoline, two more boxes had come. The first had contained silly little kitchen things, like nesting doll measuring cups and teddy bear cookie cutters, both of which were rather useless, since neither Sirius or Remus had time to make cookies or anything else that required measuring cups. The second was for something called a Magic Bullet, but Sirius hadn't opened it yet, so Remus had no idea what it was for. Not that it mattered.

When he came down for breakfast on Wednesday, Remus found his son already at the table, eating toast as he read the newspaper. Sirius was at the sink, washing fruit. The pieces of what Remus assumed was the Magic Bullet were all over the counter, but he wasn't going to ask. He looked out the window as he walked over to the fridge and noticed that the trampoline was gone. 

"What happened to the-"

"He fell off." Oliver interrupted without looking up from the paper. He flinched a moment later and turned to frown at Sirius. "What was that for?" 

Remus had been too busy staring out the window to notice that Sirius had thrown a blueberry at their son. Since Oliver was more or less done with his breakfast, he took the paper into the living room and flopped down on the couch to finish reading it, far enough that Sirius couldn't throw more food at him, but still close enough to shout at his parents and listen to their conversation if they didn't whisper. Remus picked up the blueberry that Sirius had thrown off the floor and put it on Oliver's plate before taking it over to the sink. When Sirius refused to look up, Remus sighed and leaned against him. 

"What did you do with the trampoline, Padfoot?" he asked quietly, trying to keep his tone light. He wasn't angry about it anymore, and he really hoped Sirius hadn't refused to put cushioning charms around it out of spite.

"I gave it to Harry's kids. Put the right charms on it. _They're_ young enough to enjoy bouncing, right?" Sirius looked up at him, and by the looks of it, couldn't decide whether he wanted to smile or make a face.

Remus bit the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing, gently nudging Sirius' head with his own. "I wasn't calling you old." 

"You _were_ , you mean old man. And I always hate you a little bit when you're right and I'm not." But Sirius was finally smiling, and there wasn't any malice in his voice. "Can I have my computer back now?"

"Not until the boxes stop coming," Remus said quietly, laughing a bit as Sirius wrinkled his nose at him. "How many more should we be expecting?" 

Sirius glanced out the window without moving his head away from Remus'. "A few..."

"A few" was an understatement. 

The next morning, a package containing sweaters with dragon spikes (Sirius wasn't sure which breed of dragon was called dinosaur, but they were cute) arrived for Harry's kids. That afternoon, they got another box, this one containing the pieces for a play castle. In the hours that followed, they got more boxes, each one containing more furniture for the play castle.

At least the kids were happy.

Despite Remus asking Sirius not to buy things for him, Sirius had apparently put in an order for several sets of tea samples and a lovely glass teapot. Remus found the box with the rest of the mail for the bookstore when he went to open up for the day. He couldn't help but grin like an idiot at the gift. It really was very sweet of Sirius to get it for him, after he'd been so cranky about the trampoline. Or maybe he ordered it before the whole trampoline incident. Either way, it was a nice surprise. Remus made plans to lock up the shop early, so he could get home and thank him properly. 

At least that had been the plan before Remus had gotten home and found Sirius in the yard, watching a pair of neighborhood kids setting up what looked like a giant bathtub in the yard. Remus walked up behind Sirius and rested his chin on his shoulder, making Sirius jump. "Is that supposed to be a pool? Aren't those usually built into the ground?" 

"Moony! You're home early." Sirius laughed sheepishly, looking between the pool and Remus, as though he were trying to figure out if Remus was mad or not. "You know, when I was buying the trampoline, I thought it might be good for us old men to take up swimming too. It'll be good for our bones or something."

"How'd you trick them into setting it up for us?" Remus nodded at the kids. When it became apparent that Remus wasn't angry, Sirius wiggled his eyebrows at him and leaned close. 

"I told them they could use it when we weren't around this summer. I didn't want to use magic to do it during the day and I wanted it ready by the time you got home. And then you came home early. Why are you home early?"

Why _was_ he home early? Remus shook his head, remembering why he'd closed the shop two hours before he was supposed to. "I wanted to thank you for the tea." 

Sirius looked just as confused as Remus had felt a moment ago. "Tea? Tea! Oh good, it finally came in." His face lit up as he grinned at Remus, leaning against him. "So you liked it, then? Does that mean I can have my computer back?" 

Remus laughed and shook his head. "I was going to give it back to you, and then I came home to this," he said, pointing at the pool, "which sort of proves you're not really responsible enough to be trusted with it or with your credit card. I'm going to be wanting that too." Sirius shook his head as he backed away from Remus, his hand moving to protectively cover his pocket. "Padfoot, give me the card." Sirius shook his head harder, grinning as he turned to run into the house. "You can have your computer or the credit card, but not both at the same time. Before this month, you'd never even used either of them." Remus tried not to laugh as Sirius' face fell. He graciously accepted the little plastic card Sirius handed him and carefully tucked it away in his pocket. 

"So can I have my computer back now?" 

"Is this pool the last of it?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes at Remus, huffing a little as he turned to go into the house. Remus knew he wasn't really mad. He just didn't like being outsmarted. Still, there couldn't have been that many boxes left anyways. 

After a few days passed without any packages showing up, Remus started to wonder if maybe Sirius had made a mistake. Maybe there really _weren't_ any more boxes coming. He could always just give the computer back to Sirius. He wasn't sure what Sirius was going to do on it without his credit card (he hadn't been using it to make spreadsheets), but it didn't really matter, as long as Sirius wasn't using it to buy a mountain of things they didn't need for no reason. He arrived home from the bookshop that night, with every intention of returning the computer, and found a box on the kitchen table addressed to him. Was this the last of it, then? 

Remus picked up a knife and carefully slit open the box, raising a brow as he pulled the flaps back and was greeted by a big rubber cock. He pushed it aside to see what else was in the box. It looked like Sirius had gone all out. He'd picked out a bunch of little eggs that Remus had no idea how to use, little phallic shaped _things_ with remotes attached, and something called a prostate massager that made Remus' arse clench when he looked at it. There were a few bottles of flavoured lube, and a set of restraints. He'd even bought cock rings. They already had a set of cock rings in their nightstand, but these _vibrated_. Apparently. 

When Remus looked up again, he found Sirius smirking at him in the doorway. 

" _Now_ can I have it back?"

Remus shook his head, picking up the box. He nudged Sirius through the door with it, trying to guide him over to the stairs. 

"We have to test these out first, I think."

Sirius laughed, stepping aside so Remus could lead the way up to their bedroom. He was going to have to thank Ron (and Hermione) later.


End file.
